Mindful awareness, comprised of observing, describing, non-judging, and radical acceptance, allows us to objectively observe our negative or difficult thoughts and feelings. Once we have noted these, we next cultivate the ability to let them go.
It is human nature to think and feel. We tend to think that if we let go of thoughts and feelings, we become nothing. Rene’ Descartes said, “I think, therefore I am.” But does that mean that if we stop thinking, we cease to exist? The first step in learning to let go is to realize that we are not our thoughts, nor are we our feelings. Our identity is something separate from our thought processes or emotions. It is the True Self that lies beyond the realm of thought and imagination.
Once we realize that thought and feeling are not who we are, and that self is something different from thoughts and feelings, we no longer need to struggle to cling to thoughts and feelings as a way of preserving identity.
One of the problems with automatized thought and feeling processes is that they may have become so automatic, that we are no longer consciously aware of them. Mindful awareness allows us to slow down and examine these processes once again by paying attention to the details of how they are formed. By observing these processes mindfully, we bring them back into our conscious awareness. When we are consciously aware of them, we can let them go.
Note that letting go does not necessarily mean that you let go of the thought or the feeling itself. The goal is to let go of the anxiety or distress caused by the thought or feeling. If you are troubled by a negative feeling, first ask yourself, “Could I let this go?”
The answer to this question is always, “yes.” We can let go of anything. Since thoughts and feelings are nothing but processes, and the true self is in control of these processes, we can always make the decision to ignore or stop these processes.
The second question to ask yourself, when troubled by negative emotions, is, “Am I willing to let it go?”
The purpose of asking yourself this is to determine exactly why you feel the need to cling to it. Alfred Adler said that “all behavior is purposeful.” By this, he meant that people don’t do things without a reason. So there is always a reason for clinging to a negative thought or emotion. When asking yourself, “Am I willing to let this go?” the idea is to become aware of the function holding on to it would serve. If you can become aware of this reason, then you may find that it is easier to let it go. Always keep in mind that there is no rush to do this, nor is there any right or wrong way to do it. It simply is what it is.
The third and final question to ask yourself when preparing to let something go, is, “When will I be ready to let this go?”
We often cling to things because we are waiting on some event to occur before we let it go. John Lennon of the Beatles said, “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.” Are you waiting on an event or situation to occur before you feel comfortable with letting go? If so, when is this event likely to happen, and what would it take for this event to happen? It could be that you are not mentally and emotionally prepared to let go just yet. If that is the case, then that’s okay too. The purpose of asking the “when” question is to help you clarify the circumstances needed in order to let go.
An important point to remember when letting go is that letting go of the stress and anxiety associated with certain thoughts and feeling is not the same as letting go of the thoughts and feelings themselves. Suppose you’ve lost a loved one. This would probably produce a feeling of sadness and grief. Such a feeling is perfectly normal under the circumstances. But suppose this grief is so overwhelming that you cannot function. You can’t go to work, you can’t interact with your friends and family; all you can do is sit in your room in misery. In this case, letting go would mean letting go of the anxiety that leads to the debilitation, while still being able to acknowledge the sadness and sense of loss.
So the goal is not to push away or ignore difficult emotions. All emotions are reactions to circumstances that we’ve experienced, and they are all therefore valid. The idea of letting go is to learn to experience these emotions in a way that does not lead to undue suffering or dysfunction. By externalizing these emotional processes; i.e., by identifying them as processes of the mind, and not as characteristics of our identity, we gain some space. By gaining this emotional distance, we are better able to see these processes and their causes more clearly. When we see them clearly, we can then decide if they are things we can change, or if they are things we need to accept. By subjecting our thoughts and feelings to this sort of mindful scrutiny, we are not engaging in avoidance behaviors. By not avoiding them, we learn to cope with them.
Frewen et al (2008) describe the process of letting go as a way of observing negative thoughts and emotions as they occur, without feeling the need to have to react to them. Their research demonstrated that people who report a higher level of mindfulness have less occurrence of negative automatic thoughts (rumination). This does not indicate that people with higher levels of mindfulness never have negative thoughts; it simply means that they are more proficient at dealing with these negative thought patterns when they occur. Since more mindful individuals are more practiced at letting things go, they may not be bothered as much by negative thoughts.
ACTIVITY
