Murray Bowen, the founder of Natural (or Family) Systems Theory, believed that problems occur  in families due to fused relationships. A fused relationship is a relationship in which two (or more) members of a family become so emotionally entangled with each other that it is difficult, if not impossible, to tell where the thoughts and feelings of one person end and the thoughts and feelings of the other person begin. In a fused relationship, a person feels ‘smothered’ by the needs and desires of another person. In such a relationship, one person is absorbing the anxiety and stress for the entire relationship. He or she is held responsible for the success or failure of the relationship. Such a person has taken on the responsibility for the emotional well-being of the other person(s) in the family.

Such a state can be emotionally and cognitively debilitating to the persons enmeshed in the dysfunctional relationship.

At the other end of the spectrum lies differentiation.

One definition of differentiation could be: “The ability to separate thinking and feeling about a given relationship or situation.”

When a person lacks the ability to separate their emotions from their thoughts, that person is said to be undifferentiated. Being undifferentiated means being flooded with feelings and powerful emotions. Such a person has a great deal of difficulty thinking rationally. Additionally, such people may feel that they are responsible for other people’s feelings, and that other people are responsible for their feelings. They lack the ability to tell where their feelings end and other people’s feelings begin.

The process of differentiation involves learning to free yourself from emotional dependence and codependence on your family and/or romantic relationships. Differentiation involves taking responsibility for your own emotional well-being, and allowing others to be responsible for their own emotional well-being.

A fully differentiated person can remain emotionally attached to the family without feeling responsible for the feelings of other family members.

Mindful Awareness

One of the skills we develop in the practice of mindfulness is the skill of acceptance. Acceptance allows us to experience emotions without feeling obligated to react to them. This is done by noting the emotion, and then letting go of the thought processes that the emotion generates. By letting go of these negative thought processes, we come to accept other people for who they are, without feeling the need to try to manipulate the situation or to take responsibility for the emotional outcome of our interactions with other people.

An undifferentiated person can benefit from mindfulness by learning to accept the flood of emotions that blocks rational thought. The goal of acceptance in differentiation isn’t to become a totally rational person, devoid of emotion.

Instead, the goal is to practice wise mind. Wise mind is the balance of emotional mind and rational mind, in perfect harmony.

As mindful awareness increases, acceptance of others increases as well. As acceptance of others increases, differentiation also increases.

Cognitive Behavior Therapy and Differentiation

The primary goal of Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) is to modify maladaptive thought processes in order that we may obtain more positive consequences. CBT is a type of metacognition, or “thinking about thinking.” Therapists and counselors who use CBT are helping their patients to focus on their belief systems and to examine the thoughts and feelings that lead to consequences they may not want. By changing those thought processes, the consequences of those belief systems should change.

A person who is not differentiated generally believes that he/she is responsible for the happiness of others, and that others should be responsible for his/her happiness as well. This idea usually manifests itself in the form of, “If _____ would just behave the way I want him to, then I’d be happy,” or, “She expects me to make her happy by doing _____ .”

As mindful awareness increases, practitioners of mindfulness come to realize that each individual is responsible for his or her own happiness. By being present in the moment, a practitioner of mindfulness comes to realize that “it is what it is.” In other words, by accepting that we are responsible for our own emotional wellbeing, and others are responsible for theirs, we learn to become fully differentiated.

Case Study: Harry and Sally

 Harry and Sally, a married couple in their mid-thirties, were having difficulties after ten years of marriage. After the birth of their second child, Harry felt that Sally had become more emotionally distant and that she had turned into a complete stranger. Sally felt that Harry was smothering her by making far too many demands on her time and attentions. Harry felt that he would be much happier with the relationship if Sally would pay more attention to his needs, and less attention to the needs of the children. Sally felt that she would be much happier in the marriage if Harry would just, “Back off and let me have some space.”

As Sally and Harry began to practice mindfulness skills, their mindful awareness grew, as did their ability to achieve radical acceptance.

Eventually Harry was able to see that instead of relying on Sally to, “Make me happy,” he could be responsible for his own happiness. Sally came to realize the same. As Harry learned to take responsibility for his own happiness, his demands on Sally’s attention decreased. As these demands decreased, Sally felt less pressured to try to ‘make’ Harry happy. As these pressures and demands on Sally’s time decreased, she became more willing to spend time with Harry, because, “I don’t feel as if he’s smothering me anymore. He’s learned to be happy with himself, and I don’t feel as if I have to work to make him happy.”