We sometimes create unrealistic expectations for ourselves by assuming that stressful or depressing thoughts and feelings are somehow not “natural.” In fact, just the opposite is true. It is perfectly natural to have stressful or depressing thoughts and feelings from time to time.

Try this sometime: Ask everyone you know if they’ve never in their entire lives had a depressing or stressful thought. I’m willing to bet that you won’t be able to find anyone who would say that they’ve never been depressed or anxious. That’s because, like cloudy days, stressful and depressing feelings are a natural part of being alive.

Being in the moment

If we can accept that we don’t have to do anything to fix cloudy days, we can accept that we don’t have to do anything to fix negative thoughts and feelings as well. In fact, sometimes our attempts to fix such thought cycles could be the very thing that makes them worse. Here’s an example of how this process works:

Suppose I am prone to panic attacks. One day I find myself feeling anxious. I can tell by the way my thoughts are racing and by the way my body feels that my anxiety is rising. I know from previous experience that rising anxiety has led to panic attacks in the past. As I realize this, my anxiety increases even more because I’m afraid that I’m about to have yet another panic attack. So I try to do something to stop it by trying to force myself to calm down. But “trying to calm down” is doing mode. The harder I try to calm down, the more I stress out about the fact that I can’t calm down. The more I stress out about the fact that I can’t seem to calm down, the more my anxiety rises, because I’m trying to do something to fix it, and what I’m doing isn’t working. The more I fail at fixing it, the more I stress out and try even harder to fix it. This cycle builds and builds until I have another full-blown panic attack.

What if, when I felt my anxiety rising, I was able to say, “Oh, that’s another panic attack that’s about to happen. I’ve had them before. Yes, they’re unpleasant, but I’ve managed to survive them. No need to try to do anything to stop it.”

In this case, I’m not trying to do anything. I’m not trying to stop the attack. I’ve consciously chosen to sit with it and be in the moment with the natural experience, paying attention to and describing the sensations to myself. Because I’m not engaging in doing mode by trying to fix something, I’m not adding to the anxiety. I’m just allowing things to happen in their own time, while I observe with my senses. From this perspective, even if I do have another panic attack, I’m being still with it and observing it rather than interacting with it. I know from previous experience that it won’t kill me, however unpleasant the experience might be. I’m engaging my internal observer to be with the experience.

This ability to pay attention to the present moment is the essence of being mode. To gain some insight into how to explore Being Mode, download and complete the exercise below on Ways to Engage in Being Mode.