We make judgments every day. Judging is observing a fact about the world around us and the people in it and then adding an evaluation or interpretation of “good” or “bad” to it. A lot of our suffering in life comes from these judgments.
As Shakespeare’s Hamlet said, “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”
“Good” and “bad” are relative terms that are ultimately self-defined. Suppose a manager at your place of employment gets fired and you get promoted to manager. Is that a good thing, or a bad thing? If you asked the manager who was fired, they might say it was a bad thing while you might personally think it was a good thing. But what if the management position was long hours with low pay and few rewards or recognition? In that case the former manager might say that it was a good thing that they got fired, and you might say that it is a bad thing that you now have to do this thankless job.
That’s the problem with judgments. They don’t always relate to the real world. Not only that, but judgments can often cause problem emotions by creating endless cycles of stress, depression and anxiety. One judging thought leads to another, and then another, and so on until we find ourselves ruminating over our judgments instead of focusing on the present moment and enjoying life. When we allow ourselves to get caught up in such judgmental ruminations we have fallen into the mind trap. A mind trap occurs when we live inside our own heads by focusing on the past or the future instead of the now.
Most judgments are about the past or the future. Few of them have to do with the present moment, so one way to avoid the temptation to judge is to focus only on the here and now. To do this it is important to know the difference between judging and describing.
Suppose I’m walking down the hallway at work one day and Jane frowns in my direction. Here’s examples of judging vs. describing:
JUDGING
“Jane just frowned at me. I wonder what I did to make her angry?”
DESCRIBING
“Jane just frowned at me.”
Here’s another example:
JUDGING
“Carl just told a lie. Carl is a bad person for being dishonest.”
DESCRIBING
“Carl just told a lie and there will be consequences for his actions.”
In both of the examples above, judging involves observing a situation and adding an evaluation to it. In Jane’s case, I’ve noticed her frowning and added an interpretation that Jane is frowning because I must have done something to make her angry. Judgments are not facts, so unless Jane tells me that I did something to make her angry, such a judgment is not based on any supporting evidence. It could be that Jane has a headache, or she is having a bad day, or maybe her shoes are too tight. There could be dozens of other reasons that Jane happened to frown when I passed by her. The fact of the situation is that Jane frowned. The rest is my own opinion.
In the second example, we’re confusing judgments with consequences. Judging Carl as a “bad person” for telling a lie is a different matter than stating that there will be consequences for lying. While it is true that there are always consequences for dishonesty, does a single lapse in judgment on Carl’s part suddenly make him a “bad” person? Can we reduce the entirety of Carl’s existence to one summary judgment on his character? If we do, how accurate and fair would such a judgment be?
Being non-judgmental means moving beyond our evaluations of “good” or “bad.” It means seeing things for what they are. Being non-judgmental is a conscious decision to focus only on the facts of any given situation, without adding or subtracting by making assumptions and interpretations based on our own ideas of how things should be. By setting aside our ideas of what “must” or “must not” happen, or what we “should” or “should not” do, or what “could” or “could not” be, we are able to live a non-judgmental existence. When we can make the statement, “It is what it is,” and mean it, we have learned how to be non-judgmental.
ACTIVITY: Worksheet 01.08 Being Non-Judgmental
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