Last week we talked about what emotional aggression is and how emotionally aggressive people often use gaslighting to achieve their goals. Today we’re going to talk about how gaslighting works. We’ll also discuss some common statements used by gaslighters who are being emotionally aggressive.
The term “gaslighting” comes from the 1938 play, Gaslight. This was made into a film in 1944. The premise of the movie is that a husband is trying to convince his wife she is insane so he can gain control of her assets. He leads her to believe she’s stealing things without realizing it and hearing noises that aren’t really there. Because of his manipulations she begins questioning her sense of reality. The term “gaslight” comes from the fact that the husband goes into the attic at night to turn the gas lights on and off in hopes of making his wife question what she’s seeing. In other words, he’s trying to make her doubt her sense of reality.
When someone is being emotionally aggressive, the goal is to make you question your own sense of reality and to instead rely only on what they’re telling you your reality should be. Gaslighting confuses the victims, making them question their own judgment, sense of self-worth, ability to recall the past, and eventually their own sanity.
Here are some of the techniques emotionally aggressive gaslighters use:
Lying to You
People who engage in emotional aggression by gaslighting are habitual liars, and they’re usually so good at it that eventually you start to believe them. They eventually make you start second-guessing yourself. They say things like, “You’re making things up,” “That never happened,” or “You’re crazy.”
Discrediting You
Gaslighters like to try to turn others against you or to convince you that others are against you even when they aren’t. They will use those near and dear to you to accomplish their objectives. They will only tell you the negative things others say about you, and if others aren’t really saying negative things about you the emotionally aggressive person will invent things. Comments a gaslighter might make to discredit you would be things like, “Your family agrees with me…you’re crazy,” or “The kids think you’re being ridiculous.”
Distracting You
Emotionally aggressive people love to distract. This usually takes the form of “whataboutism” in which, whenever you bring up a problem, they say something like, “Oh yeah, well what about this problem instead?” This sometimes takes the form of “You do it too!” Regardless of whether or not you do it too, it doesn’t address the initial question of the gaslighter’s behavior.
Minimizing Your Thoughts and Feelings
One way that a gaslighter will use emotional aggression is to use your own emotional states against you. They might say things like, “Calm down,” “You’re overreacting,” or “Why are you so sensitive?” The goal here is to minimize how you’re feeling or what you’re thinking while trying to force you to be responsible for their emotional state instead.
Shifting Blame
Blame-shifting and blame-storming are other common gaslighting tactics. Every time you try to have a discussion with an emotional aggressor, they twist everything into making it your fault so that you feel you are to blame. Whenever you try to discuss how their behavior towards you makes you feel, they say things like, “We’d get along just fine if you’d see things my way,” or “If you acted right I wouldn’t have to treat you the way I do.”
Denying Wrongdoing
Emotional aggressors are notorious for denying that they did anything wrong. They make poor choices and then refuse to take responsibility for them, preferring to blame others. Denying the feelings of others in this manner can leave their victims feeling unseen, unheard, and unloved. Over longer periods of time victims develop “learned helplessness,” which is a state of giving up and losing hope that things will change. Gaslighters might deny wrongdoing by saying things like, “I never said that,” or “You’re just overreacting” or “Stop imagining things.”
Using Compassionate Words as Weapons
Emotional aggressors are very good at mixing lies with the truth to keep you off-balance. Sometimes they’ll through in positive reinforcement just to confuse you. They know that keeping you off-balance makes you easier to control. They might say something like, “You know how much I love you. I would never hurt you on purpose,” or “I only criticize you because I love you and want you to get better.” The most abusive form of this is when domestic violence offenders say things like, “I only hit you because I love you.”
Rewriting History
Gaslighters and emotional aggressors love to change the details of events to their favor. If your partner shoved you against the wall, and then you bring it up later, they might say something like, “What really happened is that you stumbled and I tried to catch you.”
All of these tactics are used by gaslighters to make you lose your own sense of reality. Emotional aggressors try to control others so they don’t have to learn how to control themselves. If you have a partner or a loved one who is trying to make you responsible for their emotional states, or who is trying to tell you what you should feel and should not feel, you’re probably a victim of gaslighting.
In the coming weeks we’ll be talking about how to address some of these issues. We’ll also be focusing on how people who use emotional aggression and gaslighting as their primary coping mechanisms can learn less maladaptive behaviors.
What Is Gaslighting and Signs It May Be Happening to You, Very Well Mind
By Sherri Gordon Updated on April 12, 2023